Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
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You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
guys i’ve cracked the code
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?