Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
this FaceApp is creepy af
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK