I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job