My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?