Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
i’m sure it’s fine
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?