Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.