[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Woke up against my better judgment again
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.