Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.