I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
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Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Good dog. ❤️