If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
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My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
*Seductively hides in the woods
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed