MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
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This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Lassie, get help!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.