if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
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No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Spell check is for lasers.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
This sounds bad:
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.