I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
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*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻