When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
*praying for world peace*
God:
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.