*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
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Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
listen closely
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant