What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
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Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.