[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*