If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.