I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I have never related to a cat more
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.