Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
You Might Also Like
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.