Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
This is a sub tweet
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Best spot.. 😅
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.