“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Meme Monday.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”