Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.