My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
SORTING HAT: this kid鈥檚 a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If Pok茅mon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
*3.5 thank you very much.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 馃檨
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don鈥檛 be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
britain’s three elite institutions
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.