Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
You Might Also Like
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.