One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on