My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
mmm onion ringos
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.