girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
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If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..