Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
nobody’s gonna understand
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Come back with a warrant
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?