Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
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Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.