My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
You Might Also Like
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like