I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
You Might Also Like
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
never forget
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff