You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.