Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad