“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring