Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
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*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.