cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?