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[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.