Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
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Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles