Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
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Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]