Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*