Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
vegan witches, happy halloween!