“Why you watching this shit?”
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Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.