@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
lost dog
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
dude it’s called proctologist
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.