[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured