I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
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Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets