Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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That’s a good costume, I hope.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*