Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*