Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”