If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
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One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that